This photo was taken in February of 2020 right before I hit rock bottom emotionally...again Nothing in this photo screams, “I am so suicidal I don’t know how to get through another day”. This wasn’t the first, second, or tenth time I had been in this place in my 60 years. I’ve suffered from depression most of my life. I’ve been hospitalized multiple times for depression and suicidal ideation. I’ve walked myself into emergency rooms to keep myself safe, only to be put into a locked room for a few days and have my medication switched again. I’ve been on many medications, had 25 shock treatments, seen therapists and healers, but nothing held the depression off for long.
This time in February 2020, I called my best friend who is a therapist and told her I needed to do something different this time. She recommended a treatment center in Nashville, TN called the Integrative Learning Center where they offered Ketamine Infusion Therapy. On my first day at ILC, I told the group that this was my “last chance”. I was done. I was so tired of struggling with what had become annual excruciating bouts of depressive episodes. Turned out I was a perfect candidate for Ketamine therapy given my history.
Ketamine worked. It worked so well that later that day after my first infusion, I looked around and realized I had never seen colors look so vibrant. I actually cried looking at a newly painted fire hydrant; orange and red I had never seen before. I was able to access and work through challenging feels and issues like I had not before. I am not cured of my depression, but I have felt better this past year than ever before. It’s hard to explain this “reset” of my brain but it has changed my life for the past year.
It’s a lonely, scary place to be depressed and suicidal behind a smiling mask. I want people to know there is hope and help, but you need to reach out and ask. It could save your life.